This one will be short and sweet, cause I'm sick. Yep, head filled with green gooey goodness, fever, chills, cough. I called out of work today. I was supposed to have cocktails with a few friends after work and I cancelled that, too. Do you know why? Because I'm considerate. I don't want to contaminate my fellow co-workers, guests and friends. And you would think the general public would have the common sense to follow my thoughtful protocol. But no, tub of lard can't miss her opportunity to scarf down all you can eat pasta and 20 diets colas while spreading her filthy disease. I'm just thankful that size 22 waistline isn't contagious.
If you are sick, STAY HOME! Bottom line. But, if you must go out to dine in a restaurant, lets talk about some things that you can do, you inconsiderate mucus filled douche bag. Sorry, I'm angry. But I was really looking forward to throwing back cosmos with the ladies and hooking up with the new prep guy.
#1- Throw away your own damn tissues.
You have snot rockets the color of radioactive material but that's okay. Please, feel free to leave them scattered all along the table. I love it! Oh, and if you really want to help me out, stuff them inside a glass, preferably the smallest one on the table so I have to fish them out with my fingers because they are so tightly packed inside the glass. Your dirty snot rags weren't on the table when you sat down, they shouldn't be there when you leave.
#2 - Control your bodily functions.
Last night, a fellow sinner told me that the gentleman at her table complained he wasn't feeling well. Much to the dismay of everyone around him, the man belched, burped and farted his stomach discomfort for all to witness. The table next to you doesn't want to hear or smell your pending stomach virus. That's why you have a couch, in your mother's basement, you dirty, nasty, disgusting pile of shit. If you don't feel well, ask mommy to make you some chicken soup and park it. I'm sure you could rewatch The X-Files for the 32nd time and feel better before it's revealed that the Smoking Man is Mulder's father. (I swear I didn't know that. I Wikipediaed it.)
#3 - Clean up your own vomit.
Do you know what's in vomit? There is a reason your body expelled it. I can't tell you the numbers of times little Billy has barfed all over a table and the charming parents leave it for someone else to clean up. Perhaps at home, Consuela raises and cleans up after your child because your incapable as parents. But when you venture out for public appearances with the little accident in tow, actually pretend to be responsible.
And the same thing goes if you hurl in the restroom. The 17-year old hostess shouldn't have to clean up your stomach contents because you've had too many martinis before your Christian Mingle blind date arrived. If you missed the mark, clean it up. All bathrooms are equipped with paper towels. Do the preliminary work. I know that your embarrassed but that surface needs to be sanitized. So as you make your way out, let the staff know.
#4- If you can't SIT DOWN, save it for your house.
Okay, maybe I'm in the minority, but public restroom don't scare me. Probably, because I know that they get cleaned more often than my bathroom. But, if you are going to use a public restroom SIT DOWN! I understand that sitting your ass on a public toilet seat might be too much to ask. But apparently it's also too much to ask you to clean up your urine spray little Miss Squats-a-lot. If you have to hover over the pot, take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the flipping seat.
Same goes if the triple fried chicken gives you loose stools. Some pizza faced dishwasher (or tiny Mexican man for Florida readers) shouldn't have to emerge from their miserable existence in the dish pit to mop up your blow out. There's a reason we keep them back there.
Once someone on the restaurant staff gets sick, it's spreads like wildfire. We don't get sick pay, most of us don't have insurance. Trips to the doctor are expensive when you pay out of pocket. And my rent is due, I can't stay home for three days because you weren't respectful enough to keep your germs in your territory. So they next time you hear your server hacking while they get your 15th free refill or notice that half the staff looks like death, realize you might be part of the problem. If you wouldn't want to clean a stranger's bodily fluids because its unsanitary, what makes you think the server does (or should for that matter). My job is to serve you food, not be your nurse maid. And did I mention that if you are sick, STAY HOME!
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