Incomplete Party of 12, we can seat you now...

Recently, the fine establishment where I wait tables changed their policy on seating incomplete parties.  In the past, when a couple walked in the door and announced to the hostess they needed a table for eight, the conversation went like this:

Host: Is you entire party here?

Customer: No, but they should be here any minute. 

Host:  Great! Just let us know when everyone is here and we can take care of you then. 

Now, at this point, the customer would usually grumble, kick, scream, act like a 5-year-old that had just been told it was nap time, and ask to speak to a manager. Apparently, our managers as well as the big boys at home office got tired of fielding such complaints, so they decided to just let the incomplete party sit when the table is ready rather than accommodating the party once everyone was in the building.  Now, let me tell you why that sucks for everyone involved. 

Let me start with a story. A few days after we changed the party policy, this happened.  A party called ahead for 4:30.  We open at 4:00.  When I came in to work at 4:00pm, I was informed that at 4:30, I would be taking a party of 10 with a co-worker.  Our restaurant requires us to have two servers for parties of 9 or more.  I’m okay with that because it allows orders to get taken faster, has multiple hands getting refills and pre-bussing tables, and generally moves the table along faster.  One of my tables and one of her tables were pushed together.  We could only get sat at our other two tables.  At 5:00pm, we still hadn’t been sat with this party, so I asked our manager.  The party called, they were running behind, they rescheduled for 5:00PM.  They should “be here” any minute.   Table turns lost: two

At 5:05pm two ladies sat down at the table.  The other eight people were leaving work just now. They would arrive shortly.  At 5:30, still two ladies.  Finally at 6:00pm, five other ladies joined. Table turns lost: four. At 6:10pm, one lady announced they were ready to order.  But wait, two plus five equals seven.  Did they want to wait for the other guests to arrive? Nope.  No one else was joining them.  I don’t have to split a party of seven. You said it would be 10 people.  Had they been made to wait for everyone to arrive before seating the party, we wouldn’t have pushed two tables together.  We would have sat them at a table for eight people. Now, at this point I made a decision to do what I thought was the right thing.  I gave the other server one of my tables and took the party of seven.  Came back to bite me in the ass, too.  Half of the group didn’t even tip me.  And that was after they told me and my manager what excellent service I gave them. 

Perhaps they thought gratuity was included, because it usually is for parties of eight or more.  But once only seven people showed up, I didn’t have a choice but to drop all seven separate checks and pray for the best. But do you see the problem here?  Not only did I lose money on this deal, so did the other server involved as well as the restaurant.  We lost four table, that could have been sat; sixteen people could have come in and out of that section. If I low ball my tables checks, I lost out on about 20 bucks.  If that happened to me once a week for an entire year, that is personally $1040 a year out of my pocket. That is my entire Time Warner bill for a year.

Wait times are based on moving tables.  And so is my income.  People leave because they don’t want to wait.  Large parties often take up multiple tables.  If you are just going to sit there for an hour while other folks show up, why can’t you do that at the bar? Or in the waiting area? Why must you insist on sitting at a table and preventing me from making money until you are truly ready to dine?

Ask any server! Incomplete parties are sucked into some strange Murphy’s Law vortex. Just as the hostess finally seats your other table(s), the remaining members of the incomplete party show.  And of course, the members of the party that have been waiting for 45 minutes are starving.  They’ve been salivating over the smells and sights of the restaurant for the better part of an hour.  They ARE ready to order.  But it doesn’t work like that.  You see hungry, hungry hippo, my other two tables just got sat.  And those folks didn’t make me wait, so I’m not going to make them wait either.  And more than likely, the folks that just joined your party haven’t a clue as to what they even want to drink, let alone eat.  So, you need to hold your horses. 

If you are lucky enough to get sat as an incomplete party in a restaurant, let your server know when the ENTIRE party is ready to order, not just you.  And have some consideration for that fact that I have a system going.  Say something polite like, “When you have time, we’re all ready to order.” Don’t bark orders at me after you just tied up my table. There is nothing I find more irritating then when a table tells me “We can order now”.  That’s great! But I can’t take your order right now.  I just rang in drinks for one table and salads for another.  Give me three minutes, so that I can get the rest of the folks in my section on their way (which is what I am currently doing) and then I will have time to repeat the specials eight times (since no one at your table is probably going to listen when I go over them.) And when I politely say that I’ll be right back over to take your order, don’t hem and haw. Be nice! You put yourself in this position.

And be reasonable.  Don’t assume that you know anything that the rest of the party wants. Don’t ask your server to bring water for the entire table when only two of you are here. Don’t snip at me when they do finally arrive about bringing more bread or chips and salsa or whatever free stuff the restaurant provides you.  I know how to do my job and if you would give me some time to attend to you and the other folks I’m waiting on; you will find I can bring things without you prompting me.

I take pride in my work.  Learn to treat the excellent servers with dignity and respect.  I’m a professional server; I don’t plan on getting a “real job”. This is my  career and I make great money by ensuring that you have an amazing experience.  But when the public does stuff that makes your job more difficult, they drive the good ones nuts and eventually away from the business. So they next time you want to take the entire family out for dinner, be mindful.  If you have a sister that is always 45 minutes late, tell her to meet you there 45 minutes early.  If the entire party isn’t there, don’t throw a tantrum if you can’t get sat right away.  If you aren’t sure how many people are going to show, wait before you take up a table for 15 with only 6 people (and yes, I’ve seen that happen.) Your server or servers will thank you. 

A Sinful Guide to Dining with Allergies.

I promise I'll try and keep the sarcasm to a minimum. It's gonna be hard, but I actually have been asked to provide some information about eating out with allergies. It can be difficult. My mother is a gluten free diner. I have a yeast allergy. I ignore it and stuff myself with pizza and beer. Even a friend recently discovered that the stuff he's allergic to (artificial sweetener ) is in common table salt. But if you or someone you know has food allergies, here are some helpful tips to make your dining experience easier on you and your server.

1. Be Upfront

Let your server know immediately that you have a food allergy. Even though the dish you order may not have the allergen in it, there could be cross contamination. Gloves need to be changed, surfaces may need to be cleaned. Not every ingredient is listed on the menu. There is nothing worse the delivering food to a table to find out that the guest is allergic to an item that's hidden in the sauce or salad dressing.

And be honest. If you just don't like mushrooms, don't lie to the service staff and tell them you're allergic to them. A lot of time and energy go into preparing a meal for a guest with an allergy. You're only slowing down your meals arrival to the table.

2. Be patient

Working with a guest with allergies can be time consuming. Understand that your server has other guests. It's not fair to your server or other tables for you to monopolize 20 minutes of their time. After a few minutes of Q & A ask your server if they need to check on their other guests. Your server isn't a dietitian. Although they may know the base ingredients in the dishes, they may not know or understand certain questions or terms. Which leads me to this...

3. Be preemptive.

It's not just military strategy. Most restaurants have websites with their menus available online. You are the one with the allergy. Do your research. Call ahead of time and ask questions to the manager on duty. Or when you arrive, ask to be sat with a veteran server. The host may be able to seat you with someone that is a little more versed instead of a new server who has only been at the restaurant for two weeks.

4. Be smart

Think about when you are dining out. Sometimes you have to know your limits. You are likely to have a better experience at 5pm on a Tuesday night rather than at 630pm on a Saturday night. Your server can take more time with you when they aren't trying to accommodate a full section with hungry angry guests that have been waiting for an extended time period for a table. If you have an allergy that requires the chefs to prepare a clean cooking surface, that is also easier to do when they aren't knee deep in tickets.

And lastly...

5. Be reasonable

Depending on your allergy, your food may take longer. Your server may have to ask the chef questions to honestly answer your questions. Don't give them attitude or grief because they don't know. Your server wants you to have an enjoyable experience. They want to make money. It helps if you are just as nice and patient as you want the person serving you to be.

Also think about your allergy and where you are eating. If your allergic to gluten and can't have pasta, you probably shouldn't be dining at a place called "Pasta Planet". It's sounds amusing, but I worked at several Italian places and folks would often ask what didn't have garlic in it. Seriously. That's like eating at a Mexican restaurant and trying to order a dish that doesn't end in a vowel.

Follow these five easy "Be"s and you should have a great night out that won't result in a trip to the hospital. I can't believe it! I wrote a whole blog without saying something snarky or rude. But I sincerely hope this helps those diners with allergies. Happy sinning!

No, I am not "down" with the sickness!

This one will be short and sweet, cause I'm sick. Yep, head filled with green gooey goodness, fever, chills, cough. I called out of work today. I was supposed to have cocktails with a few friends after work and I cancelled that, too. Do you know why? Because I'm considerate. I don't want to contaminate my fellow co-workers, guests and friends. And you would think the general public would have the common sense to follow my thoughtful protocol. But no, tub of lard can't miss her opportunity to scarf down all you can eat pasta and 20 diets colas while spreading her filthy disease. I'm just thankful that size 22 waistline isn't contagious.

If you are sick, STAY HOME! Bottom line. But, if you must go out to dine in a restaurant, lets talk about some things that you can do, you inconsiderate mucus filled douche bag. Sorry, I'm angry. But I was really looking forward to throwing back cosmos with the ladies and hooking up with the new prep guy.

#1- Throw away your own damn tissues.

You have snot rockets the color of radioactive material but that's okay. Please, feel free to leave them scattered all along the table. I love it! Oh, and if you really want to help me out, stuff them inside a glass, preferably the smallest one on the table so I have to fish them out with my fingers because they are so tightly packed inside the glass. Your dirty snot rags weren't on the table when you sat down, they shouldn't be there when you leave.

#2 - Control your bodily functions.

Last night, a fellow sinner told me that the gentleman at her table complained he wasn't feeling well. Much to the dismay of everyone around him, the man belched, burped and farted his stomach discomfort for all to witness. The table next to you doesn't want to hear or smell your pending stomach virus. That's why you have a couch, in your mother's basement, you dirty, nasty, disgusting pile of shit. If you don't feel well, ask mommy to make you some chicken soup and park it. I'm sure you could rewatch The X-Files for the 32nd time and feel better before it's revealed that the Smoking Man is Mulder's father. (I swear I didn't know that. I Wikipediaed it.)

#3 - Clean up your own vomit.

Do you know what's in vomit? There is a reason your body expelled it. I can't tell you the numbers of times little Billy has barfed all over a table and the charming parents leave it for someone else to clean up. Perhaps at home, Consuela raises and cleans up after your child because your incapable as parents. But when you venture out for public appearances with the little accident in tow, actually pretend to be responsible.

And the same thing goes if you hurl in the restroom. The 17-year old hostess shouldn't have to clean up your stomach contents because you've had too many martinis before your Christian Mingle blind date arrived. If you missed the mark, clean it up. All bathrooms are equipped with paper towels. Do the preliminary work. I know that your embarrassed but that surface needs to be sanitized. So as you make your way out, let the staff know.

#4- If you can't SIT DOWN, save it for your house.

Okay, maybe I'm in the minority, but public restroom don't scare me. Probably, because I know that they get cleaned more often than my bathroom. But, if you are going to use a public restroom SIT DOWN! I understand that sitting your ass on a public toilet seat might be too much to ask. But apparently it's also too much to ask you to clean up your urine spray little Miss Squats-a-lot. If you have to hover over the pot, take a piece of toilet paper and wipe the flipping seat.

Same goes if the triple fried chicken gives you loose stools. Some pizza faced dishwasher (or tiny Mexican man for Florida readers) shouldn't have to emerge from their miserable existence in the dish pit to mop up your blow out. There's a reason we keep them back there.

Once someone on the restaurant staff gets sick, it's spreads like wildfire. We don't get sick pay, most of us don't have insurance. Trips to the doctor are expensive when you pay out of pocket. And my rent is due, I can't stay home for three days because you weren't respectful enough to keep your germs in your territory. So they next time you hear your server hacking while they get your 15th free refill or notice that half the staff looks like death, realize you might be part of the problem. If you wouldn't want to clean a stranger's bodily fluids because its unsanitary, what makes you think the server does (or should for that matter). My job is to serve you food, not be your nurse maid. And did I mention that if you are sick, STAY HOME!

They do sell US travel guides in foreign countries?

When I was in college, I spent a semester abroad. Prior to my departure for the UK, I spent hours pouring over travel guides, studying slang, and soaking up knowledge about the foreign land I was going to visit. When it comes to dining out in foreign countries, violating a particular custom can be embarrassing for you and insulting for the staff.

I couldn't imagine going to a foreign country and not boning up on local customs and traditions, but its clear that the majority of foreign travelers visiting the US don't. I can't imagine that they do. Heck, I've lived close to the Canadian border and was appalled at how the border crossing Canucks showed a complete lack of respect for their servers by constantly tipping below the US standard. So with all my personal experience, it it has lead me to this conclusion. Either most foreigners can't/don't research their travel location, or they just feel they are above US custom. And in either case, if you're not willing to embrace our ways while your here, then stay the hell home.

I decided it was time to do some research of my own and fired up my web browser to discover that US Today has a handy dandy article that snap shots tipping percentages around the world. You can check out the full article at http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/travel/world/2007-09-10-tipchart_N.htm. Here's what I found.

Okay, I need to digress for a moment. Maroon 5 just came on the radio and I don't care that Adam Levine sounds like Jewish boyish hitting puberty, that boy is fine. He can corner me in the employee bathroom anytime.

ANYWAY! Okay. Listen here. The United States takes the cake at the highest percentage on the planet, with a standard 15% to 20% considered customary. But here is what was more shocking. I had been told by a few Canadian servers that 15% was the standard but I just couldn't believe it. But according to US Today, it is. So what gives? Apparently, our neighbors to the north don't even follow their own rules in their own country. I guess South Park was right, Canada sucks. So quit coming into our country, buying alcohol, clothes and home furnishing as a super low price and then tipping our hard working servers for shit. You're welcome.

The Europeans are just as bad. Now, it appears that standard in most European countries is 10% when no service charge is included. And let me tell you something...based on my time in Europe, service over there sucks. Once the food is dropped you're lucky if you see your server again. Perhaps they are too busy outside chain smoking and bitching about our government policies. But I once sat at an Italian restaurant in the Soho district of London for twenty minutes not touching my entree. When my server finally came back to drop of the checks, she handed me a box and commented on how I didn't touch my meal. I retorted back, " kind of hard to eat spaghetti without a fork." When I spoke to a manager about the issue and that I didn't feel I should pay the service charge because the server never returned, I was told I should have noticed I had no silverware before my meal was served. Seriously?

Europeans are always commenting on the quality of service in the US, but don't tip for it. It's even worse as a bartender. In the UK, you buy your bartender a drink for excellent service. Most bartenders just pocket the dough, but that's hard to do in The States. Most bars, especially corporate restaurants, don't allow their staff to drink on the clock. So, you hussle to make ten drinks while other tipping customers are waiting and you don't even get the jingle left on the bar top. Not worth it!

I was shocked but not surprised when I read that tipping in most Asian countries is non-existent. I worked at a sports bar that saw a large Asian clientele from the student based housing community nearby and those math and science based freaks never tipped. I know they can do the math. And most of them paid on credit. And what revs me up even more is that there is a line between the subtotal and total that says TIP. Do you think that is there by mistake? Do I not tip you when I go to your nail salon while you try to up charge me for every service by telling me its "only five dollar more"? Jesus, "Tammy" I came in for a $15 fill, and somehow I'm leaving at a cost of $50 plus tip.

The same goes for our visitors from India. I worked at a chain restaurant near one of the seven natural wonders of the world and the summers were dominated by Indians visitors. So much so, I often wondered who was answering the phones at the call centers over there. The restaurant had a policy of adding gratuity for parties of 6 or more, and it was a sigh of relief when you counted more than 5 at the table. How can you go out to eat, see a line that says tip, and not think to yourself, "maybe there's a reason for that"?

Maybe it's like that scene in the movie Waiting...! They all know they're supposed to tip, but screw us. We're Americans. We live in the lap of luxury, in a land where endless possibility is available to everyone. That is unless of course your job has been outsourced to a foreign country that offers 6 weeks paid vacation where it's employees take multiple holidays each year and
visit foreign countries and don't tip the wait staff.

If you can't take the 2 minutes it takes to open a web browser to learn about the customs of this great country, stay in your country. I don't care how you do it in India, China, England or Germany. You're in America now bitches. Recognize!

did you hear the one about the Ghetto Canadian that paid with a gift card, told me I was amazing and sat for two hours...

Okay, so I'm sure I'm gonna ruffle some feathers with this post, but I'm here to educate the masses. So please understand that the statements made in the proceeding blog are based on my own personal experience. Some servers may contradict my opinions, but I highly doubt it. But the bottom line is that some people just don't know how to tip. So, read the following with caution as I address some stereotypes, situations, and scenarios and see if any apply to you. And if they do, then get your act together. And if you don't like what I have to say, then do something to change the stereotype by educating your friends, family and foes.

Let me start by saying that I understand that tipping is never a guarantee, HOWEVER, when you receive good service tipping should start at a minimum of 15%. If you are too cheap to include this as part of dining out, do all of us in the industry that rely on tips as a part of our income a huge favor and go eat fast food...or stay home...we don't care which you choose.

#1- Canadians.

Now, I have encountered a few exceptions to this rule. But for the most part, you know you are doomed from the first "ay". In Canada, servers make a higher hourly wage, and I have been told that they just get tipped less because its considered a bonus. But here in the US, servers make less then minimum wage, so pony up. The bottom line is that you're here because its cheaper ...on your weekend shopping trips or three months in Florida. Prices of food in most restaurants are cheaper as well. Say it with me you silly Canucks. 15%! And the kicker, Canadians are sooooo flipping nice. Easiest tables in the world. Polite, easy going, but cheap. And I can't pay my bills with your niceness.

#2- The Verbal Tippers

"Sinful, we come here all the time and this is the best service we've ever received." FML. That is the kiss of death. Sure enough, 10%. $10 on $100. Are you kidding me? Don't fool yourselves, servers talk. You always receive crappy service? That's probably because your server has been informed by the last server you 10 percented that you are a cheap ass. I can't call up Sprint and tell them that they are "the best phone company ever" and only pay half my bill. (Nor would I because Sprint sucks!) Simply said, put your money where you're mouth is. If you receive excellent service, then tip 20%. Servers also tell other servers when they get the hook up. If you become known as a phat tipper in your favorite bar or restaurant, you'll be surprised by the consistent, amazing service you receive.

#3- Gift Cards/discounts

Look here you cheap ass, you tip on the original total. I can't tell you how many times I have processed a $50 gift card on a $75 check, processed the remaining $25 on a credit card and received a tip around $5. Let me break it down for you. Most servers tip out to bartenders, bussers, and host. That tip out is calculated on the original total. So if you tip based on the final price after your gift card and coupon, you aren't using in lube as you rape your server

It goes like this. Lets take a standard corporate restaurant. Here's the math.

$75 check
-$50 gift card.
=$25 on your credit card.
You tip %20 on your credit card total or
$5.

The server is required to tip out %3 back to the support staff or
$ 2.25

So, of the tip you left, your server pockets $2.75 on a$75 check. Do you see the problem here?

The same thing goes when a manager is kind enough to comp a dinner that you didn't enjoy or the kitchen stay cooked wrong. Your server didn't overcook your steak or serve you cold green beans. The kitchen staff failed to do their job properly. Don't punish your server because they didn't stick their fingers in your mashed potatoes to make sure they were scalding hot before they reached your table.

#4 Campers

When you walked into the restaurant, did it say KOA on the door? Probably not. Tables are like real estate. If you stay longer than a typical table turn, you are costing your server money. Most restaurants aim around an hour to get you in and out. But, if you want to sit and share family vacation photos or catch up with a girl's night out for longer than that, then don't be a squatter.

Most servers are in sections. That means when you sit there nursing your water for 55 minutes waxing poetic about little Jimmy's ability to drool on himself and still look cute, your sever can't just pick up another table somewhere else. Tip your server for their time and loss of income. If you owned rental property, you wouldn't just let your tenants not pay their rent for two months. Servers, don't have the luxury of evicting their squatters. And for flip sake, if the restaurant is on a wait, get the hell out of dodge. Or don't complain about the next time you have to wait longer than quoted.

#5- Ghetto Fabulous

DISCLAIMER: I am not a racist! I am observant. These are generalizations based on my personal experience with the majority of African-American customers over my twenty years in the industry.

I understand that some demographics don't grow up with fine dining experiences or the knowledge of proper tipping procedures. Heck, I had a friend of mine, a lovely self-described trailer trash white girl from rural Virginia that didn't eat in a restaurant until she was in college. And when I finally explained to her that she needed to tip her server, she was mortified that had didn't know.

I have had some African-American diners that have been pleasant and tip extremely well. However, the majority of the minority doesn't get it. And I'm not talking 10%. Just last week, I had three ladies leave me $3 on $100. And these tables aren't usually easy: demanding, rude, and generally ordering the most expensive thing on the menu with a billizion modifications. I work with several African-American servers that say that it's even worse on them because they are expected to give them the hook-up. And when they don't, they generally get stiffed.

My point is simply this. If you know someone who is ghetto fabulous or if you yourself are ghetto fabulous, please tip your server for their service. I'm not expecting you to come in acting like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. It's cool. I love your swagger, but if you insist on acting like you're part of 50-Cents posse, please tip like you have some class and integrity. That's all I'm saying.

I'm sure I'm going to get some slack for this, but after what I did in dry storage last night...I'm pretty sure this is the least of my worries. Be good people and remember the next time you go out to dine, be kind. The staff will love you for it!

Sit down, shut up and speak when you are spoken to...

Okay, so look I get it. The restaurant you're in is on a hour wait and you're starving. Granted it's 6:30 on a Saturday night but I can understand your frustration. You're hungry and there isn't a Snickers bar in sight. But your lingering hunger is no excuse for rudeness. Perhaps you should have planned ahead. But here's the thing. I have a job to do. Most restaurants have a sequence of service. I'm trying to make your experience a pleasant one. The least you can do is be pleasant back.

What the hell am I talking about? There is nothing worse than approaching a table with a positive attitude and a bright smile to get ripped a new one or ignored all together by the occupants of the table. So, let me give all you diners out there a piece of advice...Open your ears and use some politeness and you might have a different experience the next time you dine out.

Scenario #1: The Miss America answer

" Hi, folks. Welcome to (insert restaurant here). My name is Sinful and ill be taking care of you. How are we doing this evening?"

"Two waters with extra lemon, extra ice and a straw."

What you can't even say please as you avoid my question all together. I get that you are above simple pleasantries, but for flip sake. I've never been two waters with extra lemon, extra ice and a straw. No wonder you're such a frigid, sour Nancy. I attempted to set the tone of your experience as a nice one, but you just can't have it that way. No, instead you just compiled more attitude on top of the other crappy people that sat before you. Next time try this response. "We're great Sinful. We'd love two waters with extra lemon and ice." There's no need to ask for a straw unless of course you also feel fit to ask your server to place the water in a glass too. I'm a server, not stupid.

Scenario #2: I'm a big fat liar that wants my server to get weeded.

"Folks are we all set to order or do we need a few more moments to decide?"

"Yes, we're ready. Jim what are you getting? Are you getting the fish. I can't decide between the chicken and the steak. If you get the fish, then I'm going to get the steak. But if you get the steak, I'll just have a bite of your steak and ill get the chicken. Ooooo. Or do I want a salad? This salad sounds great..."

Now, imagine this conversation continues for about two more minutes while Jim and his lovely bride rap back and forth over whose getting what. In the meantime, I'm standing there because YOU SAID YOU WERE READY. I gave you the option. Guess what? I'm gonna come back WHEN YOU'RE READY. In the three minutes it takes these two goons the time to decide, I could have gotten bread for table 45 and refills for table 46 and put in the appetizer for table 35 AND ran a tray a food. You see my job doesn't just entail me taking the order for YOUR TABLE. I have other customers and other things to do. So the next time your server asked you if you are ready, answer with some honesty. We're not going anywhere. Much to our dismay.

Scenerio #3- I'm in a hurry...to sit and take my time.

"Would you like to start with an appetizer?"

"Yes, we'll have the fried food lovers heart attack platter." (I look around to see drinks need to be refilled for table 45, the manager staring at me because my food for table 35 is ready, and table 32 who has a screaming child that are clearly ready to order)

"Great! I'll go ahead and get that started for you. I'll be right back to take your answer any questions and take your entree order"

" We're also ready to order our food. ( insert 10 questions about the entrees that need and an order with 20 modifications here). Meanwhile the weeds are growing around my feet. "Oh, and please don't rush us, the last time we were here everything came out way to fast. We'd like to enjoy ourselves."

Okay, lookie here ants in your pants, there's a reason I wanted to go and place your appetizer order. I have other stuff to do. If you're in such a rush to order, when all you want to do is sit and relax, is it so much to ask that you give me three minutes to go do a few things first. We try to be nice as servers. I'm not going to look at you and say. " I got some shit to do, slow your roll and we'll talk about your entrees after I get your appetizer order in." But that's what we mean when we tell you " Ill go and get that started for you."

Listening is a great skill. I'm here to do just that. I'm gonna listen to you complain about the last time you we here, how you "know" the owner, and how that other restaurant has a better happy hour. Here's a clue: I'm not Janie, I know our owner too ( he signs my paycheck) and that better happy hour is across the street. I don't make the decisions. I'm just a server after all. But try to preschool skill of closing your mouth and opening your ears.

More than listening to your server I recommend that most customers listen to themselves. Would you want someone coming into your place of employment barking orders at you, assuming you have no education, and telling you how to do your job. I assume that wouldn't go over to well.

So be kind. As my mother would say "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" The same goes for service. And after all, you really should be concerned with how you treat the people that handle your food. Just saying... Now, pray for me. It's Friday night!

In the name of all things Holy...

I finally have had enough.  I have worked in the service industry for the better part of 20 years as either a server, bartender, manager…you name it, I’ve done it.  I’ve even picked up the odd bussing shift here and there.  For the most part, it’s easy work for decent bank. I’m sure my father is rolling over in his grave to know that my high priced liberal arts college degree is being used to sling pasta and pizza for $5 an hour plus tips. Now, I generally keep my grips about the general public’s lack of manners and social graces to myself.  However, it was today, Tuesday April 2, 2013 that I reached by breaking point.  And what tipped the scale to break two decades of silence?  Flipping Jesus.

My mother always said to avoid 3 subjects in mixed company: sex, politics and religion. I have found that living by this policy has kept me out of the hot seat and I generally try to maintain a Swiss like attitude on touchy subjects. Sure, I have opinions but the couple at table 45 wants more ice tea NOT my opinion on the Obama Administration or my experiences with German midget fetish porn.  I am at work to do a job.  In the simplest terms - provide you with an excellent experience.

I never share personal information about any of the three forbidden subjects, so I find it VERY poor manners when my customers see fit to thrust their opinions on a subject by defiling my check presenter with their personal religious beliefs.  Oh, yes, that’s what did it.  Ask any server and they will tell you that there is nothing that makes them cringe more than popping open a check presenter and seeing that tiny piece of religious material.  And today, one such pamphlet found its way into my life; uninvited, unwanted, and certainly unable to achieve its desired effect.  This Sunday (or any Sunday for that matter) I won’t be attending the recommended Baptist church listed on the back. 

I was raised to view religion as a private agreement between the God/savior/cult of my choice and personally I found the literature to be highly offensive.  I know what the naysayers will say.  Their religion is about spreading the word of Jesus and encouraging others to accept him as a path to salvation.  And in this great nation of ours, we have the right of religious freedom.  BUT, don’t I also have the right to go to my place of employment, perform my job description with stellar success and not have someone’s religious views thrown at me?  I didn’t describe to you in detail the way my boyfriend nailed me from behind like a carpenter’s hand to a crucifix.  Oh!  Wait! Was that taking it too far?  Did I cross the line of good taste by bringing your religion into my bedroom with a poorly worded pun? Well religious faithful, I find it just as equally offensive that you feel that I need to be saved based on the way I grated your cheese. 

I respect your right to worship as you see fit, but I ask that in return you respect my right to voice my discontent when your personal beliefs cross paths with my income.  I want anyone reading this to understand that I don’t have a problem with any religion.  I think spiritual enlightenment is a beautiful, personal journey that should be cherished. And maybe one day, I will find my spiritual path and I will stuff religious literature and a few singles in the G-string of a stripper.  But until then, I will just stay sinful.  Now, I’m off to watch Hell’s Kitchen.